Baby Leo’s arrival in our family over a year ago was a wonderful event and it’s been a wild ride ever since for us parents but especially for our daughter, Emilia who is 3 years old. I remember feeling so guilty during the end of my pregnancy because I knew my time with my only child was nearing its end and this new baby would come into the world soon and turn it upside down. I’m here to say that with time, patience and preparation, adjusting to life with a toddler and a new baby is NOT mission impossible or as daunting as it might seem. With a big dose of love, both of my kiddies made this transition happen quite well. Based on our experience so far, here are the top 5 tips to keep in mind as you navigate your family’s transition from one to two children (this is applicable to children who are 2 years apart):

1. Prepare your first born for the new baby

I can not overstate this — it is extremely important and healthy to talk as much as possible with your first born about the impending arrival of a new baby. Even if they are not yet verbal, you can show them your belly and use simple terms about how a baby is growing inside you and that in a few months, we will be able to hold him. Keep repeating the fact that your first born will soon become a big sister/brother. Empower them to make choices with you, when it comes time to buy baby items or decorate the nursery. Show them pictures of when they were a baby and how mommy and daddy took care of them.

Here are some books that I recommend you read to your toddler that will help ease them into this life changing transition. If your firstborn is a boy, just pick the same book but “big brother” version:

• Waiting for Baby
• I am a Big Sister (there is also a bilingual version English/Spanish)
• Big Sisters are the Best
• Best-Ever Big Sister
• The Bernstain Bears’ New Baby
• Big Sister Dora! (Emilia checked this book out in French through her French class)

Continue to read the big brother/sister books well after the baby is born because as time goes by and your first born gains more experience with her baby sibling, they will start to relate to the activities featured in the book, like helping with the diaper and bottle or pushing the baby in the stroller and so on.

2. After baby is born, make sure your first born gets plenty of attention and is involved in caring for baby

Once baby has arrived, focus all your energy — aside from taking care of a newborn — on easing your toddler into this major change that is sure to affect your family dynamics. Get her involved in taking care of the newborn so that she feels included: ask her to bring you a diaper, a burp cloth when you are breastfeeding or bottle feeding. Make sure she feels loved by showing her affection as often as can be and by getting her some special treats, food, toys, movie night etc. My sister and brother-in-law were kind enough to sign Emilia up for KiwiCo, a subscription service where you receive a box filled with science and arts projects on a monthly basis.

3. Focus on one transition at a time for your toddler

Try to avoid tackling any other transition, such as moving your toddler to their big girl/big boy bed or bedroom or potty-training or moving to a new house, and so on. If you need to move your toddler to their new room in order to decorate the nursery room and make it the new baby’s space, plan to do it well before you give birth. Since Emilia was sleeping so well in her crib in her baby room, we decided to wait several months after the baby was born before transitioning her to her “big girl” bedroom and it worked out perfectly. It was difficult enough recovering from a c-section while caring for a newborn and a toddler without any support from family or friends during the pandemic so throwing in another change in the mix was completely out of the question for us. We transitioned Emilia to her new room when Leo was roughly 6 months old and she was over 2.5 years old. We set her bedroom up with her new bed, an IKEA dollhouse, floating book shelf, armoire and a night stand and then came the big reveal for her! This adjustment went smoothly because the baby wasn’t so dependent on me anymore and my husband and I could devote plenty of time to her at night. There were obviously nights where she wouldn’t stay in bed or she would wake up in the middle of the night crying and asking for us to stay with her, but all in all, she was happy to have her own bedroom. We kept emphasizing the fact that she was such a great big sister, not a baby anymore and this was her “big girl” bedroom. She felt very special and for a while, there was no hint of real jealousy toward her baby brother — until regression hit a few months later (see tip #3 and #4). This just goes to show that even the children who you think have adjusted well because they are more adaptable than others, also have internal struggles and frustrations that they are not yet equipped to deal with due to their age.

Potty-training was the next transition that we tackled and we are still working on it but she is almost completely out of diapers. However, there will always be setbacks as baby starts hitting milestones and becomes more of a mobile and “whole” person who increasingly needs his parents’ undivided attention. This may trigger jealousy in your first born, who was so used to still having most of the attention on her developments — enter the period of regression!

3. Expect regressions for your first born and be patient!

Regressions are bound to happen here and there, especially as your baby makes progress in terms of hitting those milestones. Emilia has become more needy ever since Leo started crawling and pulling himself up to a standing position at around 9 months old. This translates into more meltdowns, reverting to baby-like behavior such as wanting diapers, a pacifier, taking away the baby’s toys or walkers and trying them herself and expressly saying she is a baby. How do you deal with it? Well, be patient, let her work through some of her big emotions — help her talk about her frustrations and identify some of those emotions. For instance, if she cries because her baby sibling is playing with the toys she wants, ask her questions like: “I see you are upset with Leo. Can you tell me why you are angry?” Try putting yourself in her shoes: a baby arrived turning her life upside down and understandably, she is feeling jealousy and a fear of being replaced. Her way of attempting to regain control over this loss is to “steal” the baby’s toys and other belongings. Try not to be hard on her and let her work it out as long as she is not aggressive towards the baby. It’s helpful to affirm how she might be feeling with respect to her little sibling by saying something along the lines of: “I know it must be hard to have a little brother cause so many changes in our lives and it’s okay to be upset about it. I am here for you and Mommy and Daddy love you very much.” Also, see tip #4 below.

4. Mom and dad should spend one on one time with first born to curb regression

A couple of months ago, Emilia was acting out at her daycare and throwing more tantrums in general. We knew she was going through a regression and it was hard for us to deal with it because we had never experienced this level of “acting out” with her. We would talk to her, cuddle her yet no amount of reasoning or affection were helping her. Finally, someone close to us suggested we spend time just with her by simply taking her out for a fun time at the park, restaurant or even just running errands with her. This one-on-one time with her proved to be very helpful in temporarily curbing regression. Keep showing her a lot of attention and she will realize that she is not cast aside to make room for the newest member of the family — she is simply outgrowing the baby phase so keep emphasizing what a big girl and great sister she is and how much she can do by herself.

5. Mom and dad should also find time for each other so they can also adjust to their expanding family

That’s right! Date night is key to cultivating your romantic relationship with your significant other. Being parents is all-consuming and we sometimes put our relationship on the back burner. That’s not healthy or sustainable. After all, your relationship with your baby’s father or mother is the foundation upon which your family is built. Without it, everything else crumbles so my advice is to keep nurturing that primary relationship to keep the spark alive and well and to bring balance and harmony within your family for the sake of your children who will be watching closely how you treat your partner. They will model that behavior in their own lives and form their own relationships bearing in mind the first one they witnessed — their parents’. So be kind and take care of yourself and your partner. If you have a disagreement, avoid voicing it in front of your child. Take your partner aside when the child is asleep in the evening and make time to discuss the cause of the disagreement. Date night is a special time to reconnect and talk about adult topics so try to avoid the subject of the kids. I know, I know — not an easy thing to do!